Michael's Blog

Stupid, funny things.

30 May 2006

The Magnum Story

My friend Spencer and I decided that we wanted to throw a bachelor party for our friend Jeremy. After they denied my ideas of going to Hooters and Bikini Cuts, we decided to go and eat a whole lot of food at a southern BBQ place in Provo. (Lon’s Cookin Shack )

Let's be honest. When you have a bachelor party something funny needs to go on, otherwise, what is the point of even having it. It is the last chance for the groom to enjoy being single for the last time. Since all of us were good Mormons, we were not going to hire a stripper or rent a porn movie or anything like that, but there had to be something. Something more then just eating a lot of food.

I always thought that maybe it would be funny to have a sex ed class. It would be great explaining to a bunch of Saints the parts of the female body they aren’t familiar with and watch them squirm. Of course, they wouldn't let me do it.

Spencer came up with an idea though. He thought that it would be funny to get two packs of Trojans, one box of "Magnums" and one box of "Snug Fits." Then we would give them to him and tell him we weren’t sure which ones he needed. I have never bought a box of condoms before so I had no idea the difference between them. It turns out that the “Magnums” are very, very big and the “Snug Fits” are the smallest you could get. It seemed like a good idea to me and I really wanted to have some kind of entertainment at the party.

Spencer had flown in from Arizona and so he didn't have a car. He went to the Drugstore next door they didn't sell condoms. (This Utah based store is morally opposed to selling condoms) So Spencer talked to me and said that he wanted me to go to the near by gas station and buy them.

I got to the station and went in. I walked up and down the aisles and couldn't find the condoms. It was going to be slightly embarrassing to buy them. In Provo, where most believe strongly in chastity, a single guy buying condoms isn’t exactly Kosher. I was prepared to get some dirty looks. I could not find any condoms though. I couldn't figure out where they were. I kept looking, over and over because I thought I had just missed them somehow.

Finally, I glanced over at the counter and realized that the condoms are on a stand behind it. "Arrr!" I thought. The last thing I wanted to do is have to actually ask for them. “Oh well,” I thought, “at least it was a guy at the register.” So I walked up. On my second step, the guy turned and walked away and the female cashier moved in to help me. When I approached, she asked me what I needed.

There is a slight crowd in the store but no one is in line yet. There is one guy browsing the magazines. He is standing very close to the counter and the only thing between him and the condom rack is the magazine rack. I explain that I need a couple of packs of condoms.

A line starts to form behind me.

She walks back and starts to look. I say "I need a pair of really big ones. Do they have the sizes on the box? I need big ones."

Right then I realized what I was saying and become embarrassed. To cover myself, I said, "You know they aren't for me, they are for my friend. We are having a bachelor party. He is getting married tomorrow."

The guy at the magazine rack says "Yeah right, I bet that's what they ALL say." I said "no really, they really are." Then the cashier grabbed the whole rack of condoms and sets them on the counter right in front of me and says "It's OK. They can be for you."

I was feeling a bit embarrassed and then I look behind me and I see that the line has grown. 5 or 6 people wait for me as I look on the different boxes of condoms asking, "Where does it say the size? I need the REALLY big ones. Do you see where it says the size?" Finally I give up and decide that they only have a one-size fits all brand and I would have to figure something else out.

I walk out, call Spencer, and asked him what I should do. While we talked, I noticed that general authority of the church was pumping gas. (Elder Bateman ex-president of BYU) I hoped that if I had to go back in there to buy condoms, he wouldn't come in for anything.

I am told to get something funny as possible and get back because the food waiting to be eaten. So I go back in and get in line, sandwiched between 3 good-looking girls. I asked the girl behind the counter once again to see the rack. I chose French ticklers and something that had to do with duel pleasure.

I get back to the BBQ place and deliver the goods to Spencer. After we ate a while Spencer decided to announce the gift. He tells Jeremy what we got him and, for the benefit of all, read the backs of the boxes.

"With warming lubricant for heated passion! Flared shape for ultimate sensitivity and comfort. Thin for heightened sensation. Warming lubricant is activated by natural body moisture."

Everyone was giggling and Jeremy asked when we had gotten them. I, giggling, say "Boy is that a story." Jeremy said "Ok Mike, tell it."

I start "Well, I get to the store..."

I spend the next fifteen minutes giggling one sentence fragment at a time of the whole story. After every line, all ten men in the room rolled and rolled. Every line ended in a boom of laughter that would wake up the neighbors if there were any. As soon as we caught our breath, I would spew out another line and we all roared again. We laughed for ten to fifteen minutes and all of us were crying and holding on to our stomachs. I wish I could relive it over again.

The next day at the wedding, there was a microphone set up for anyone to say whatever they wanted. Some of the guys nudged me and urged, "Go up and tell the magnum story! go up and tell the magnum story."

It then had a name. The Magnum Story.

22 May 2006

Some Good Advice

"Every day one should at least hear one little song, read one good poem, see a fine painting and--if at all possible--speak a few sensible words." --Goethe

09 May 2006

New York Doll

"But when I saw a man without eloquence, or talents for public speaking, who could only say, "I know, by the power of the Holy Ghost, that the Book of Mormon is true, that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of the Lord," the Holy Ghost proceeding from that individual illuminated my understanding, and light, glory, and immortality were before me." --Brigham Young (Journal of Discourses, Volume 1:90, 1852; OR HERE)

I like to hear testimonies at church. This movie reminds me of a testimony. I imagine that Greg Whiteley (the director) started making a film about Arthur Kane and it turned into a testimony of the principles of the gospel. At least that is how I felt. Being a Mormon and knowing the culture and teachings, I caught all of the gospel lessons that the movie teaches. I never felt like I was being taught or preached to. I don't know but I imagine that those who are not of this faith didn't feel like that either.

From home teaching, giving new members callings, and prayers being answered, to forgiveness, the atonement, and standing up for what you believe in. This movie has packed into it more spirituality than any Mormon made film out there (including Richard Dutcher's "God's Army" or "The Other Side of Heaven") Yet it doesn't seem to be made for that.

Quickly you love Arthur "Killer" Kane. You see him going about his daily activities and you feel like this is a person you can identify with but know that his unique situation as a washed up rocker is interesting and at times - sad.

Musician after musician testify of the Doll's goodness and how they were loved so much. The movie briefly describes a history of rock that is very affected by the New York Dolls. Many of us listen to or at least have heard of scores of groups that either copy cat the Doll's style or their music. Music lovers get a real treat while watching the movie.

You will never regret seeing this movie and so I have recommended it to everyone I know. I watched it in the theater about 5 or 6 times and bought the DVD when it came out. It has reached my top 5 movies list which is pretty good considering that I have seen hundreds of movies.